Caroline Ravn's Cruise Ship Magic Diary

"I know this sound." Disoriented, I start looking around, wondering what in the world woke me. There was no crying, so it can't be the kids. Not entirely sure where I am, I fumble to get to the phone."Hello?" The woman on the phone seems stressed. I'm not sure I get to the end of my one-word opening line before she speaks. She tells me she's not sure why there was a discount added to my account, but she wishes me a good day and hopes I'm happy with my manicure. Then she insists that I get to the spa as soon as possible to settle the account so she can close the bill for yesterday. "Of course," I say without really knowing what I'm agreeing to.

The manicure, however, I do remember.I look at my phone. 7:32 AM. Why would anyone in their right mind need to call me this early? On top of that, on the morning after my shows. I'm annoyed, and I know I won't be able to fall back asleep now. It took me hours to calm down last night, as always, after my cruise shows. There was the 1 AM shower and the pizza buffet right after the last show.It's a sea day, and I know it's gonna be busy for room service today. I call for my order. "The usual," I say, trying to sound charming and failing horrendously. That's coffee with cream and milk on the side, eggs sunny side up and crispy bacon. I remind myself that maybe it's time to see the inside of the gym again. Running my hands over my belly, squishing my extra skin since having twins only two years ago, I can already see where this inner dialogue is going, so I try to distract myself with the non-existent free onboard Wi-Fi.

The cruise app works, at least.The app tells me the schedule for today. First, I look at who's performing on the big stage tonight – a comedian! That's usually great fun. I've seen some great acts onboard. Both stage production shows, and other headliners like myself. When I can, I go to all the shows mainly because I'm very self-critical and beat myself up when other acts are better than me. I always try to be inspired to be the best version of myself and have the best possible show. It's hard competition out there.

While I'm waiting for my way-too-early coffee order, I can't help to think about my own two shows last night. I always tell myself that the second show is the best show, and I'm always more hyped up for that one. The shows are at 7:30 PM and 9:30 PM in the main theatre, and I always have to be there at 3 PM ready for a full technical rehearsal with the theatre crew.They already have everything they need. I sent it in weeks ago. Yet, I'm always a little proud and surprised by seeing my face and name on the big screens when I walk in. The crew, on the other side, are not. They are trained professionals who do these things all the time. They bring in headliner after headliner, producing the shows to their best capacity. And, most of the time I think they might better than I am. They make me look and sound like a superstar. And I love it.The only thing they missed was the second stool needed on the stage. The mistake was quickly sorted by someone who, in a different time and space, would be considered a footman. Having watched two full seasons of Downton Abbey this past week has made me see the world differently.When everyone is ready with their cues and setup, centre stage is mine. The microphone battery pack is attached to my joggers. It's heavy, so I tie my pants as the stage manager helps me with the cable. His hand is cold as he pushes it into the back of my bra. "Sorry, my hands are cold", he said as he was leaving the scene of the crime. The chills running up and down my back in the already super cold theatre make my entire body shake for a good two seconds.Running through the show is usually very smooth. The cues are written in such a way that anyone would be able to understand them. At first, it's just matching everything up. What takes time are the cameras. Setting the table, camera and chairs in the perfect position for everyone to have the best view of the closeup magic displayed can take up to an hour sometimes. It's not only the angles, though. It's the white balance, the distance, and sometimes deciding which camera to use. Sometimes we use the camera in the ceiling, but when the ship moves, so does the camera. Not optimal for a triumph.I know my script well, but myself even better. After having done cruise shows - and corporate shows, for that matter, for so long, I know that there needs to be room for improv and for audience members to say things. Sometimes, the script the crew uses is longer than the one I have memorized, and that can be tricky. Yesterday was no different.The first show was a dream. The standing ovation melts me every time. I ran up the left stairs to deck 4, thanking everyone for coming to the show. Some wanted to shake my hand, and some wanted pictures. I take my time, as the crew is setting up everything for the next show only 70 minutes from now.I wasn't expecting the second show to be so different to the first one. The jokes didn't fly, the closeup was only three minutes instead of the usual eight to nine, and the flow was just… not there. I know it happens sometimes, and usually, I like it when I have a bad show. Usually, it means it's pretty long until the next one like that. Doing magic professionally gives me the opportunity to constantly work on my show, and I perform so much that I never get rusty in between.I felt rusty. Even after almost ten years of doing this professionally and after 30 years since starting magic, I still felt rusty. I felt vulnerable, almost like I was bleeding. Performing late has been very hard on me after having the twins. The lack of sleep, self-care, and constantly wondering if I fed both boys, did I mention lack of sleep?Maybe this is what it really is, being a professional magician. Maybe it's the balance of good shows, the bad moments, when the jokes just aren't hitting a home run, and the lack of sleep gets to you - but yet you go up there and deliver no matter what. The not being stuck with something' that works', and never being completely satisfied with anything. The questioning, the feeling of…There's a sudden knock on my cabin door. I hurry up, wrapping the robe around me as fast as I can. I quickly run my fingers through my hair and open up the door with a big smile on my face." On the bed. Yes, thank you."I think about my friend Jimmie – how he planned to retire early and now feels like he's living the dream. He's 43 years old and never has to work again. I often think that that's so sad. Sad to have been trapped in the wrong place for so long that you have to break free by retiring. I guess I'm very lucky and fortunate to be living a life I don't need a break from. In fact, I hope I get to perform on a stage until the day before I die.I stand over my breakfast for just a second. Then, with determined steps I walk up to my big oval window. As the sun begins to dance on my face and into my room, I'm instantly warm inside and out. I look out over the enormous sea. There's no end to this world. The waves run into the ship like a long-lost lover finding a soul mate on the train platform, or maybe it's the ship crashing into the water demanding it to move. It's mesmerizing. And so beautiful. If I didn't know better, I'd call it' magic'.Back on my bed, with my coffee cup softly resting its bottom on my left palm as my right fingers explore the silky surface. The cup is warm, and the aroma fills my room. It's comforting, and if I was annoyed before, it's long gone. All is forgiven. My entire future floats in this porcelain perfection. I take a sip, and it's just right.I close my eyes. The gentle whisper coming from my morning dry lips is small but contains the world. "I belong here."